Save Me. (pt 3)
I worked hard to improve my well being, and was finally ready to be on my own. After years of threatening to leave my dead-weight boyfriend, I was actually confident in leaving and staying away, but I was scared of how attached he'd still be to me. After two years of being in a trapped relationship, and after much self-reflection, in the middle of 2017, God put Nestor back into my life. Strangely enough, I myself knew I was finally ready for this moment. A huge wave of relief came over me because the light at the end of that tunnel was finally here.
Put yourself in my shoes, I went through SEVEN LONG YEARS of bull shit, not being able to catch a break from anyone or anything. I cried almost everyday because I was going through such a tough time. I constantly asked God why he threw these problems at me all at once because it was taking such a big toll on my mental and emotional health. It got so bad that I began praying for at least one good day...just one. I went through social anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts, but I kept going because I wanted to be alive and see the day I finally got my happiness. I deserved it.
Thank God I found the strength inside to continuing living because I wouldn't be here today. No one knew about it, but since 2012, the voices of those who hated me constantly repeated "Kill yourself. I wish you didn't exist" in my head. I went to bed every. single. night and beat myself up about it. If I had listened to at least one of these voices, they would have won. I would just be another girl who killed herself with fake people showing up to my funeral claiming how 'close' we were.
Fast forward to now-- I'm happy AS FUCK with my life. I'm with the man of my dreams...the one I waited so long for. He was the one I thought of all the time because I wanted to get better. I wanted to be better for him, for Danika, for my own future. I wanted Nestor to save me all those years ago, but it was always my fight and my battle, not his.
The person I am today is because of me. No matter how many times I asked God to save me, or to send someone who can, I had no choice but to rely on myself. I was fucked up in the head with so many dark thoughts for so long that I almost forgot how it felt to be truly be happy. I spent seven years questioning "Why me? What did I do so wrong to deserve so much hate from everyone? What was wrong with me?" Turns out I was asking the wrong questions. Instead of putting myself down, I should have been asking "Why did that person feel the need to act that way? What are the things I learned from my mistakes? What else can I do to better myself?"
I was always told I was "mature for my age," and now I knew why. I was able to see situations from other people's point of views, and I could understand why they were the way they were instead of automatically judging them. Soon it became easy for me to forgive and let go of grudges, so I wouldn't go back to that dark time in my life. Eventually I stopped blaming myself for the things others didn't like about me. In the end I realized it wasn't my fault they couldn't fix the ugly on the inside AS WELL AS the outside.
Put yourself in my shoes, I went through SEVEN LONG YEARS of bull shit, not being able to catch a break from anyone or anything. I cried almost everyday because I was going through such a tough time. I constantly asked God why he threw these problems at me all at once because it was taking such a big toll on my mental and emotional health. It got so bad that I began praying for at least one good day...just one. I went through social anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts, but I kept going because I wanted to be alive and see the day I finally got my happiness. I deserved it.
Thank God I found the strength inside to continuing living because I wouldn't be here today. No one knew about it, but since 2012, the voices of those who hated me constantly repeated "Kill yourself. I wish you didn't exist" in my head. I went to bed every. single. night and beat myself up about it. If I had listened to at least one of these voices, they would have won. I would just be another girl who killed herself with fake people showing up to my funeral claiming how 'close' we were.
Fast forward to now-- I'm happy AS FUCK with my life. I'm with the man of my dreams...the one I waited so long for. He was the one I thought of all the time because I wanted to get better. I wanted to be better for him, for Danika, for my own future. I wanted Nestor to save me all those years ago, but it was always my fight and my battle, not his.
The person I am today is because of me. No matter how many times I asked God to save me, or to send someone who can, I had no choice but to rely on myself. I was fucked up in the head with so many dark thoughts for so long that I almost forgot how it felt to be truly be happy. I spent seven years questioning "Why me? What did I do so wrong to deserve so much hate from everyone? What was wrong with me?" Turns out I was asking the wrong questions. Instead of putting myself down, I should have been asking "Why did that person feel the need to act that way? What are the things I learned from my mistakes? What else can I do to better myself?"
I was always told I was "mature for my age," and now I knew why. I was able to see situations from other people's point of views, and I could understand why they were the way they were instead of automatically judging them. Soon it became easy for me to forgive and let go of grudges, so I wouldn't go back to that dark time in my life. Eventually I stopped blaming myself for the things others didn't like about me. In the end I realized it wasn't my fault they couldn't fix the ugly on the inside AS WELL AS the outside.
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Author's Note:
Everyone has their own battles to tackle, but it isn't okay to put all your frustrations onto someone else. Every issue starts from within. Instead of just forgiving and forgetting, learn how to forgive and move on because we should never forget the things that made us who we are. The biggest life lesson I learned through my experiences is: Go out and be great. Do good things for yourself and for others because in such a negative world, we need more positive people.
xoxo, Rianna ❤️❤️❤️
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