Save Me. (pt 1)
As you guys know, Nestor and I met back in middle school when we were pre-teens. We became the best of friends within a few days constantly teasing and calling each other names which we thought was funny because we couldn't take it seriously. (Don't judge. It's how we got along!) I ended up gaining feelings for him first partially due to his outgoing personality (like me!) We didn't actually start going out until the beginning of the next school year. Which I'm sure you guys know the story to that as well. We broke up right before high school started, and I was basically left to fend for myself.
I dated one person towards the end of my freshman year who cheated on me. Then dated him again (I know. I'm dumb lol) in the beginning of my sophomore year only to be cheated on again. Shortly after him, I went on a date twice with someone from another school only to find out we had nothing in common. If you read my other blog (Read it here now!) about what happened to me in the first half of 2012, then you know I dated someone else who only pursued me because he and his friend made a bet about how fast I would give "it" up to him. Because he couldn't get in my pants within an allotted time, he ended up telling a lie about us doing it and how I was "easy," then cheated on me by moving onto a close 'friend' of mine to take her virginity. I didn't mind because I knew I dodged that bullet.
By the summer of 2012, I felt ruined. With dating a lying jerk, to my so called friend going behind my back to take him from me, and then getting bullied, I just couldn't catch a break. I felt like everyone was against me, like the world was telling me to stop existing, and I almost fell for it. Instead I focused my mind on the positives; How my baby sister needed me, and also how I wanted to be there for all of her achievements. In the back of my mind, Nestor came up too. I didn't want to leave the Earth questioning "What if Nestor and I had a second chance?" I wanted to be alive to experience the day we'd come back to each other. Whether we worked out or not, I wanted to live for him too, but I knew I had to fix myself and my reputation first.
By the start of junior year, I stupidly began dating someone new, and then someone else towards the end of the year. I concluded that the reason why I kept dating was because I couldn't be alone. Whether it was a friend, acquaintance, or significant other, I needed someone next to me, someone to talk to, or my mind would go back into the darkness. It made me sad how my mind wasn't as strong as it used to be because of what I've been through in so little time. Still, I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel; that light being getting another chance with Nestor.
I reached out to him a few times to check up on him (like I always did), and realized I still had a long way to go on the road of recovery. I also lied that I loved it at Radford and was doing really well even though it was the complete opposite. I hated my life, and I hated everyone (excluding the real ones, I love you guys) in it, but if I had to use other people to get to my happiness, I was going to do what ever was best for ME.
I spent the rest of high school dating Nestor's old friend since elementary. Through all my senior year activities like the events during Homecoming Week, Prom, and Graduation, I hoped Nestor would be there instead. This was the last chance I had in high school, and even though I hated every second of it, I at least wanted to include my first love just once in my high school years (Too bad it didn't happen). Deep down I knew I still wasn't in the right mindset to go back to Nestor, so I promised to keep working on myself, and that's exactly what I did.
I dated one person towards the end of my freshman year who cheated on me. Then dated him again (I know. I'm dumb lol) in the beginning of my sophomore year only to be cheated on again. Shortly after him, I went on a date twice with someone from another school only to find out we had nothing in common. If you read my other blog (Read it here now!) about what happened to me in the first half of 2012, then you know I dated someone else who only pursued me because he and his friend made a bet about how fast I would give "it" up to him. Because he couldn't get in my pants within an allotted time, he ended up telling a lie about us doing it and how I was "easy," then cheated on me by moving onto a close 'friend' of mine to take her virginity. I didn't mind because I knew I dodged that bullet.
By the summer of 2012, I felt ruined. With dating a lying jerk, to my so called friend going behind my back to take him from me, and then getting bullied, I just couldn't catch a break. I felt like everyone was against me, like the world was telling me to stop existing, and I almost fell for it. Instead I focused my mind on the positives; How my baby sister needed me, and also how I wanted to be there for all of her achievements. In the back of my mind, Nestor came up too. I didn't want to leave the Earth questioning "What if Nestor and I had a second chance?" I wanted to be alive to experience the day we'd come back to each other. Whether we worked out or not, I wanted to live for him too, but I knew I had to fix myself and my reputation first.
By the start of junior year, I stupidly began dating someone new, and then someone else towards the end of the year. I concluded that the reason why I kept dating was because I couldn't be alone. Whether it was a friend, acquaintance, or significant other, I needed someone next to me, someone to talk to, or my mind would go back into the darkness. It made me sad how my mind wasn't as strong as it used to be because of what I've been through in so little time. Still, I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel; that light being getting another chance with Nestor.
I reached out to him a few times to check up on him (like I always did), and realized I still had a long way to go on the road of recovery. I also lied that I loved it at Radford and was doing really well even though it was the complete opposite. I hated my life, and I hated everyone (excluding the real ones, I love you guys) in it, but if I had to use other people to get to my happiness, I was going to do what ever was best for ME.
I spent the rest of high school dating Nestor's old friend since elementary. Through all my senior year activities like the events during Homecoming Week, Prom, and Graduation, I hoped Nestor would be there instead. This was the last chance I had in high school, and even though I hated every second of it, I at least wanted to include my first love just once in my high school years (Too bad it didn't happen). Deep down I knew I still wasn't in the right mindset to go back to Nestor, so I promised to keep working on myself, and that's exactly what I did.
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