Save Me. (pt 2)
Turns out being out of high school was just what I needed to begin rebuilding myself because I got my first job and started working a week after graduation. My boyfriend at the time had started having more problems when I found he cheated, but I still stayed with him out of respect for his graduation party coming up soon. For the rest of our four-year relationship full of hate and disrespect, we constantly fought about anything and everything. I pleaded and begged to leave, but he wouldn't let me, so I forced myself to work on my wellbeing alone.
I didn't regret my past because I only regretted the time I wasted on the wrong people. I reflected a lot on my current boyfriend as well as my exes, and how instead of calling them regrets for dating them, I saw them as mistakes. As a normal human bean (I said that on purpose haha), it was okay to make mistakes because you could always learn from it. As I looked back on my fucked up past; both experiences and relationships, I remembered how I so badly wanted someone to save me. In a way, I used every one I dated as a distraction from my own reality, but I had no one to turn to now that I was on my own.
I sat myself down to give a hard look at myself, and eventually managed to turn my mistakes into lessons. As much as I wanted to be there for KARMA to get back at those who did me wrong, I understood that it was clearly God's plan to put me through this extremely rocky path to happiness, but it was my job to not give up. If I really wanted to get to that light, I had a lot of forgiving to do; both to myself and to everyone who did me wrong. I knew I was a good enough person to forgive them, but not stupid enough to trust them again. I had so much built up hate and anger in my heart, and forgiveness was the only thing that could relieve me from it.
Starting from the beginning, I turned my most memorable mistakes into lessons:
- DD: "If you cheat on someone that's willing to do anything for you, you actually cheated yourself out of true loyalty."
- TK: "Cheaters are cowards that are tempted to chase the fantasy of what could be instead of courageously addressing their own self-destructive behavior."
- Being Bullied: "If people are trying to bring you down, it only means that you are above them."
- NM: "Remember, there's a difference between somebody who wants you and somebody who would do anything to keep you."
-NM's Family & Losing Friends: "Should you ever find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, smallness, or insecurities, remember things could be worse...You could be them."
In the end, I concluded that even though I was partially at fault, none of this was entirely my doing. You know that saying about forgiveness about doing it for yourself, and not for them? I thought it was all lies because there was no way I could forgive the hell these people put me through, but I did it. Even though I NEVER received an apology from any one in my past, I still found it in my heart to forgive them because it was needed for me to heal internally. It was my own closure to start my life over, to begin rebuilding who I wanted to be.
I didn't regret my past because I only regretted the time I wasted on the wrong people. I reflected a lot on my current boyfriend as well as my exes, and how instead of calling them regrets for dating them, I saw them as mistakes. As a normal human bean (I said that on purpose haha), it was okay to make mistakes because you could always learn from it. As I looked back on my fucked up past; both experiences and relationships, I remembered how I so badly wanted someone to save me. In a way, I used every one I dated as a distraction from my own reality, but I had no one to turn to now that I was on my own.
I sat myself down to give a hard look at myself, and eventually managed to turn my mistakes into lessons. As much as I wanted to be there for KARMA to get back at those who did me wrong, I understood that it was clearly God's plan to put me through this extremely rocky path to happiness, but it was my job to not give up. If I really wanted to get to that light, I had a lot of forgiving to do; both to myself and to everyone who did me wrong. I knew I was a good enough person to forgive them, but not stupid enough to trust them again. I had so much built up hate and anger in my heart, and forgiveness was the only thing that could relieve me from it.
Starting from the beginning, I turned my most memorable mistakes into lessons:
- DD: "If you cheat on someone that's willing to do anything for you, you actually cheated yourself out of true loyalty."
- TK: "Cheaters are cowards that are tempted to chase the fantasy of what could be instead of courageously addressing their own self-destructive behavior."
- Being Bullied: "If people are trying to bring you down, it only means that you are above them."
- NM: "Remember, there's a difference between somebody who wants you and somebody who would do anything to keep you."
-NM's Family & Losing Friends: "Should you ever find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, smallness, or insecurities, remember things could be worse...You could be them."
In the end, I concluded that even though I was partially at fault, none of this was entirely my doing. You know that saying about forgiveness about doing it for yourself, and not for them? I thought it was all lies because there was no way I could forgive the hell these people put me through, but I did it. Even though I NEVER received an apology from any one in my past, I still found it in my heart to forgive them because it was needed for me to heal internally. It was my own closure to start my life over, to begin rebuilding who I wanted to be.
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